The NFL Is For Idiots

While listening to Mike & Mike talk about the NFL this morning, I could not help but feel sorry for America and all its idiot NFL fans. The league deserves a lock-out, a missed season, and a large scale exodus of fans, similar to what happened to the NHL several years ago.

The NFL truly is a terrible product. The style of play has become bland and vanilla. Take the logos off the helmets and every team essentially has the same game plan. There’s no character or imagination in the play calling or execution. Half the league is, has been, or will be in jail at some point.

On top of all that, it’s become a sport for pansies. This isn’t the fault of the players, for the most part, but handcuffing defensive players is not what fans want. The sport is violent by nature, extremely so. Yes, current and ex-players have health concerns, but no one is forcing them to play this game. They know the risks when they put their pads on and the incentive of making millions of dollars over a short period of time is enough for most athletes to take the chance. The media (some it run by the NFL) is quick to compare these atheletes to soldiers, warriors, and gladiators, then demonizes them for brutal hits. The league bans certain hits, fines players, and protects quarterbacks because of their value in regards to the NFL’s lucrative television contracts.

All of this brings us to an important point. The league itself and the media has ruined the NFL as we know it. The sport has become a vehicle for marketing. Like Two And A Half Men.

Hey America, it’s Sunday!

Order a pizza! With wings! And sugar-jizz covered cinnamon bread-cake!

Get drunk on beer!

Buy a new truck (this one gets TWENTY MPG!)!

Is your dick broken? We can fix that!

Hey, your TV isn’t big enough!

You’ve had a rough weekend what with the wife and kids and all, take a load off and watch some overpaid egomaniacal assholes play an intermittent sport for three hours!

But first, a word from our sponsors…

Everything that’s been stated up to this point should be pretty obvious. And why, why do we put up with it? Because we’re idiots. Because NFL football is the easiest game to follow. Get the ball over the line or kick it through the yellow Y-shaped thingy. Simple. Most of the games are on Sundays at one of two specific times. Simple. You only have to follow it for 17 weeks (before playoffs). Simple. This plays to the majority of America because we’re fucking lazy. Everyone in your office has a fantasy team because everyone in your office is a lazy fucking idiot. Think about it.

Let’s go back to the money aspect for a moment…

The NFL makes over $8,000,000,000 in revenue.

The average player salary is well over $1,000,000.

The average ticket price for a NFL game is over $75. Wanna stay home and watch the games instead? The NFL Sunday Ticket package for DirecTV costs $335 for the whole season. Yeah, you can DVR one game while watching another, but you can still only watch one game at a time, right? $335 for every single game. That’s 256 games. But after your take into account the nationally televised games you’d get anyway on ESPN, NFL Network, CBS, NBC, and FOX, it’s really not such a great deal for you, the loyal idiot.

Now the league and its most important employees, the players, want to bicker and argue about how to divide the revenue. It’s not that either side isn’t getting a fair wage, they just want more. Who pays for it? We do. By supporting the league in any number of ways, we enable these greedy fucks to sit in a little room and say, “I want more” or worse, “I deserve more.”

I’m pretty sure I can spend my cold-weather months doing something else. In fact, I think I want to.

YOUR Colorado Rockies, Part II: Electric Bugaloo

Part II in the series chronicling the Rockies potential 2009 lineup. Check out Part I. WWCD = What Will Clint Do.

1. CF - Ryan Spilborghs
   The departure of Willy Taveras means that Spilly and his awesome facial hair are officially taking over in center field. Also, the Rockies are left without a prototype lead-off man. Spilly is an upgrade over Taveras offensively, as he'll get on base more and produce more extra base hits to start games. He is average defensively and will cover far less ground than Willy in center field. This is a trade the Rockies are obviously willing to make. I say this assuming that the front office realizes that Taveras is even gone.
   WWCD: Clint Barmes


2. 1B - Todd Helton
   While his power has clearly decreased since the Mitchell Repor-- uh, I mean stomach virus a few year ago, Helton is still the best contact hitter and OBP guy on the squad. He'll be a part of roughly 83 double plays if he hits in the 2-hole, but Rockies fans will take that if it comes with a .300 average and 100+ walks.
   WWCD: Troy Tulowitzki


3. 3B - Garrett Atkins
   Clint Hurdle is a fool if he doesn't hit Atkins third. I say this knowing he will probably bad Todd Helton third. Because he is a fool.
   WWCD: Todd Helton


4. RF - Brad Hawpe
   Again, the young-ish lefty deserves a chance in the middle of the order. Give him the opportunity to succeed and see what he does.
   WWCD: Atkins


5. SS - Troy Tulowitzki
   The 5-spot might be the ideal place for Young Tulo to blossom into a productive RBI guy for the Rockies. There's less early-game pressure than hitting #2 and historically there's a lower expectation to produce than there is in the 3 or 4 slot. He might not be ready to bat any higher than this and he's too good to bat any lower.
   WWCD: Hawpe


6. C - Chris Iannetta
   I reference the stats listed in Part I: "Ianetta hit .391 with a .506 OBP with RISP and 2 outs last year. Conversation over."
   WWCD: Spilborghs


7. LF - Ian Stewart
   Right now the Rockies don't have anyone listed as a left fielder, which leads one to assume the position is up for grabs. Stewart proved his bat belongs in the bigs last year, so if he can prove he can catch fly balls in left, he would round out a dangerous top 7 in the batting order for the Rockies. Being a slightly above-average third baseman, he should be able to make the transition fairly easily.
   WWCD: Iannetta


8. 2B - Clint Barmes
   Again, for lack of a better option, Barmes will probably be the guy to win the job coming out of spring training.
   WWCD: Leftfielder who isn't as good as Ian Stewart.

Starting Rotation:

1. Aaron Cook
   WWCD: Cook


2. Jeff Francis
   WWCD: Francis


3. Jason Marquis
   The Rox went out and got Jason Marquis last week, who is the dictionary definition of a number 4 starter... which means he's a number three starter on this team. The Rox are hoping for a repeat of his 2004 season when he went 15-7 with a 3.71 ERA in 201 innings. They also hope for a repeat of losing to the Red Sox in the World Series. Having done that already, Marquis seems like a logical pickup.
   WWCD: Marquis
   
4. Ubaldo Jimenez
   Baldy, if you're reading this, stop it and go practice throwing the ball over the plate.
   WWCD: Jimenez


5. Greg Smith
   WWCD: Smith

The Bullpen:

• Lefty Specialist - Alan Embree
  What did I say last time? "All of the Rockies lefty pitchers are starters or long-relievers. Dan O'Dowd, go get yourself an Arthur Rhodes." Lo and behold O'Dowd signs Alan Embree, also known as the white Arthur Rhodes. Totally unspectacular signing, but much needed.

WWCD: Embree

• Setup Man - Manny Corpas
  WWCD: Corpas
  
• Closer - Huston Street
  It's looking less and less like the Rockies are going to flip Street, which is great. I have high hopes for Street this season and think that he'll be a reliable closer for the Rockies in 2009.
  WWCD: Street

Rockies Sign Embree; Add Facial Hair, Terrible Wardrobe To Bullpen

The Rockies blew the doors off of the winter meetings yesterday, signing journeyman and WORLD SERIES CHAMPION Alan Embree to a one-year deal. Rumor has it that a trade of Willy Taveras to the Washington Nationals is imminent.

With the departure of Brian Fuentes, Embree is now the go-to lefty specialist in the Rockies bullpen. Embree has had a serviceable if unspectacular career amassing a 4.55 ERA over his 15-years of service. Embree now joins Huston Street in the Rockies bullpen, both of whom played the last couple of years in Oakland.

Taveras is rumored to be traded for Nats starter Tim Redding, meaning Ryan Spilborghs has all but won the starting centerfield spot.

It's really amazing to watch this team at work in the off-season. I mean, where else but in Colorado are the months of November and December more exciting than the regular season?! I would much rather be here, with the excited feeling of sitting at a Caribbean Stud Poker table in Vegas, than have the blasé feeling of contentment knowing that perennial Cy Young contenders C.C. Sabathia or Frakie Rodriguez would be joining the squad. Seriously, I'm wicked excited.

Over the weekend I was able to catch Emmitt Smith on TV for the first time in what seemed like years. It reminded me of my favorite sports blog post of all time, from Kissing Suzy Kolber:

http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/11/in-football-its-very-important-to-be.html

Get Pumped For Hoops 1.0

This is is a test to see if my pre-game music affects the way I play rec-league basketball. I'll post the final score and my line as a follow-up.

1. Butterfly Caught / Massive Attack



2. The Gutterati / The Fratellis



3. 99 Problems / Danger Mouse



4. Pro Nails Forever (Kid Sister vs. Walter Meego) / The Hood Internet



5. Mayday!!! / The Flobots



6. The Looks / MSTRKRFT



7. E-Pro / Beck



8. Hate It Or Love It / The Game



9. Dick Move (Mickey Avalon vs. CSS) / The Hood Internet



10. Get Like Pterodactyls / ABX



11. Stuntin' Like My Daddy / Birdman & Lil Wayne



12. Science Killer / The Black Angels



13. Done / The Giraffes



14. Genesis / Justice



15. Crank That (Soulja Boy) / Soulja Boy Tell 'Em



16. The Wretched / Nine Inch Nails



17. Supermassive Black Hole / Muse

UPDATE: We got whooped 65-28. Yours truly had 7 points and a few boards. Tune in Wednesday to get the next mix.

Thanksgiving Smörgåsbord

Since I won't be able to watch all of these events, here's what you should watch this weekend:

NCAA Basketball
#1 North Carolina vs. #8 Notre Dame
Wednesday @ 8 pm MST
Battle Of The Gomers! Tyler Hansbrough and Luke Harangody sqaure off to determine who has uglier siblings! Fight!

The Preseason NIT has the potential to have some pretty good matchups depending on how things turn out. Just watch college basketball. It's good for you.

NCAA Football
Miami at North Carolina State
Saturday @ 10 am MST
Well... I'll be watching it.

#3 Oklahoma at #11 Oklahoma State
Saturday @ 6 pm MST
Battle Of The Gomers: Part II: This Time It's War Y'all, YEE HAW! If OU loses just one more time this year... If you're out there Superman, please let this happen...

Notre Dame at #5 USC
Saturday @ 6 pm MST
The first step in televising live executions will be this game on Saturday night. If you're a Dome Hater, this is mandatory TV.

NBA
New Orleans at Denver
Thursday @ 8:30 MST
New Orleans has been pretty good on the road this year and Denver has been good at home. Besides, you probably don't get the NFL Network and still want to watch sports. Chris Paul vs. Chauncey Billups is enough reason to watch for any hoops fan.

Miami at Phoenix
Friday @ 6 pm MST
Shaq and Shawn Marion against their old teams. ESPN would rather you watch Kobe against the Mavs later in the evening, but Mark Cuban is a douche.

NFL
Tennessee at Detroit
Thursday @ 10:30 am MST
I will try not to vomit my just-eaten delicious breakfast while watching this game. My self-prediction: 30 minutes of watching this, then Xbox.

Arizona at Philadelphia
Thursday @ 6:15 pm MST
Up yours, Comcast.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Sunday @ 11 am MST
This is the only early game featuring two winning team. The NFL is truly a compelling league, is it not?

Denver at New York Jets
Sunday @ 2:15 pm MST
I will set the over under at 29 interceptions thrown in this game. Should be fun to watch.

And if you don't like sports, here are some other ideas of ways to spend your time...

Go See One Of These Movies
Australia - Hugh Jackman for the ladies, Nicole Kidman for the dudes, if you're in to chicks with plastic faces.
Transporter 3 - Jason Statham for the ladies, CARSEXPLOSIONSLIGHTSLOUDYAHHH! for the dudes.
Twilight - LOL! JK! UR not 12!

Talk To One Of These Relative For More Than 5 Minutes
Mom - She's dying to know if you've finally starting dating that man or woman.
Crazy Uncle Stu - Life is more exciting through the eyes of a 50 year old that slings pies for Domino's.
5-year Old Cousin Who Doesn't Get Enough Attention - Once you say hello, your weekend is officially over.
18-year-old Cousin Who Doesn't Want Any Attention - Because dinner will hilarious if you're high on weed, man!

That's all I got. Get out there and enjoy it, folks.

Grimace Returns

I read this morning that the Rockies have brought back Don Baylor, this time as a hitting coach.

Baylor was the team's manager from day one in 1993 until 1998. His totals with the Rockies were 440-469, giving him a success rate of about 48%. Let's compare that with our current fearless leader, Clint Hurdle. Hurdle's current managerial record is 516-597, about a 46% victory rate.

So why exactly did this happen? Is the front office trying to put the pressure on Hurdle by having a man with a slightly better, but still medicore, winning percentage looming over his shoulder? Do they genuinely think that Baylor will be able to help the team out? Did they simply miss his gentlemanly nature around the club house? Did they lose a bet?

This is the second "major" move the Rockies have made this off-season. And the second head-scratcher. Most fans would like to see their team taking active steps to move forward. To grow their team into a contender. To get their team in the newspaper so other people outside the zip code know they exist. Instead the Rockies have dumped their best player and hired a guy they fired 10 years ago. Nice.

Dear Rockies,

WTF?

Patiently Waiting For You To Make Some Gad'dum Sense,
JB